06Apr/16

Words Matter


Words stenciled in white letters on glass door reads:"Not an entrance, use doors inside"

Same Words; Different Meaning (lessons from a teenager)

In a previous blog, I talked about why words matter and how the word “should” often expresses the expectations of the speaker. The word automatically limits the acceptable responses from the listener.  As I continue to coach new clients and grow my practice one thing has become crystal clear: Words matter.  If you don’t believe me, try talking to a teenager about which words are and are not acceptable.

The Conversation

In a recent conversation with my niece, she mentioned that it annoyed her when her grandmother (and other older adults) answered texts with the simple letter “K” instead of “OK”. To her, it means the sender is angry. So, I listened as she explained that what seemed like a perfectly acceptable, innocuous word to one person could create conflict for another. After all, the word wasn’t steeped in any of the discriminatory overtones that often offend people.  Heck, it wasn’t even a word – it was just a letter. At first this seemed a little absurd to me until I realized that it was a great lesson in communication.  I may not have agreed with – or even understood why-  “K” had a negative connotation but I did understand that using it in the future would throw up a roadblock on future conversations with my niece.

That conversation was a crystal clear reminder that ors words can sometimes be interpreted differently than we intend. If we want to communicate effectively we have to be aware of the other person’s perspective. We must make an effort to truly understand our listeners. One way to do this is to change the focal point of the conversation. Instead of concentrating on what we want to say, take a moment to think about what we want our listener to hear.  That way, “I think we should…” turns into “Would you like…”.  The former is an expectation; the latter is an invitation.  Which one would you like to hear?

Thanks for the reminder Hailey that “K” is not always “OK

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20Oct/15

Why I Lead

 

StartupStockPhotos / Pixabay

The Challenge

_____ is why I lead. The exercise started off innocently enough, but it became a defining moment in my life. Fill in the blank and begin living your legacy.  I watched as the kids from San Jose State University started their journey in the Braven Leadership Accelerator. Some came from San Jose. Others came from California. A few even came from far away as Taiwan and Russia. More importantly, they came to become leaders. Sure, a few enrolled in the class for the 3 units but most of them are looking beyond the degree.  They are looking to change the world.

 

The Mission

There is a young woman who wants justice for foster children and is already working with the state legislature to make that happen.  There are kids from abused and neglected situations that decide to become social workers to make sure that it doesn’t happen to others. The point is these kids are here for someone other than themselves. They take their life experiences and see an opportunity.

So what exactly is leadership? I believe that there are two steps to becoming a good leader. The first is to know yourself. The second is to know your people. On that sunny Saturday afternoon the Braven Fellows started to get to know themselves and know each other. They wrote their personal narratives and as they shared their stories they began to connect with each other. I felt the energy rise as they realized they were so different yet so much alike. The stories are different but the goal is the same; to take what they’ve learned and make a difference.

 

The Lesson

Each of us has a story. The question is: what do we do with it? When we use our stories to truly understand ourselves, several things happen. We begin to connect with people on a deeper level. We begin to see how our words and actions affect our relationships with others. This allows us to make better choices. Simply put, our story allows us to get ourselves out of the way and begin to know our people. When that starts to happen, true leaders emerge.

 

I will spend the fall semester with these kids, not only as their coach, but as their student. What I experienced on that Saturday became part of my story, part of my legacy. And as of that day, the Braven  Leadership Accelerator is why I lead.

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09Sep/15

Giving Feedback that Works

Green Chalk board showing feedback that reads "You Rock"

You Rock

How to Use Positive Feedback to Offset the Bad

Ever notice how the word “feedback” makes people nervous? Think about how quickly we are to tell someone when things go wrong? That’s because we believe it’s important to let people know when we are frustrated or angry. We want action.  Fix the problem, fire the employee, do whatever it takes to meet our expectations of how it’s supposed to be. It doesn’t seem as important when someone gets it right because they are already meeting our expectations. There’s nothing tangible in it for us so the opportunity simply passes us by. I beg to differ.

Think back to the last time you received really bad service.  You probably complained to the supervisor and then told everyone you knew about your experience. You wrote reviews, you put it on social media, you got the word out. What about the last time you received great customer service? Did you ask for a supervisor then? I’m betting you didn’t.

Now, put yourself in that supervisor’s shoes. How often do you tell an employee when they mess up? You probably call poor Carol into the office and said something like: “Hey Carol, I’m really disappointed in your work lately.” You then give her some specific feedback and end with:  “so I’m going to issue a written warning and hopefully we can get you back on track because you’re a really good employee and we don’t want to lose you”. This is a common scene in today’s workplace. When Carol leaves she’s thinking that she could lose her job if she doesn’t get her act together.  She’s probably angry, scared and frustrated. How do you think this affects work for the rest of the day?

I’m not saying that the discussion and the subsequent write up is it warranted. But I am saying that if this is the only feedback Carol gets to hear about her work performance it may be hard to correct at this point.

Balancing Your Feedback to Motivate

Ken Blanchard, author of The One Minute Manager, talks about  “catching people doing things right”. I cannot begin to tell you how important this is. We forget to celebrate the things that do work but continuously punish the things that don’t.  This unbalanced feedback can result in continued poor performance and poor morale that slowly spreads throughout your organization. It’s not rocket science. The better people feel about their jobs the better job they do.

Let’s get back to Carol. She’s mad and ready to quit because she’s pretty sure you  don’t think she can do anything right. But what happens when she does things correctly (because no one screws up 100% of the time and stays employed)? Do you stop and say “Hey Carol I noticed that you been doing great work these days and I want to thank you for all the things you do to help us succeed. I’ll make sure it’s noted in your personnel file. Again thanks”? If you do, Carol may be more apt to step up and get her performance back on track. Why? Simple, it’s because your feedback is balanced. Carol has no option but to believe that your critique is solely about her work and has nothing to do with how you feel about her personally.

When dealing with difficult employees, I often encourage my clients to document the conversations by sending a confirming email referencing the discussion. Wouldn’t it be just as easy to do the same when they do something great? Think about it this way: when you continuously catch them doing things wrong, they begin to watch their backs.  When you start catching them doing things right, they start watching yours.

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