11Jul/14

Soft Skills: Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence

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Soft Skills: Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence

You’ve heard the term soft skills but just what does it mean? According to career coach Lei Han, soft skills are those which (my paraphrase):

  • Don’t have black-and-white rules for mastering
  • Are portable and valuable to any job/career
  •  Will be constantly tested in new situations

Han goes on to list 28 skills that she believes are critical for managers to master. I suggest you look at the entire list but I would like to focus on two of them here: Self-awareness and Emotion regulation. Let’s take a look.

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is not something that just happens. No one wakes up one day and says “I know exactly what I am all about”. To be truly self-aware you have to do the work. It means looking deep into who you are, who you were, how you think and then planning how you will react to situations. It means being in the present in all situations and at the same time anticipating what might happen. When you are self-aware, you acknowledge that people can push your buttons – in fact it means admitting that you have buttons to be pushed which is in direct contradiction to the calm, composed image of the successful manager. To be self-aware is to have control over your emotions instead of the other way around. In short, self-awareness means developing filters and then using them appropriately

Emotional Intelligence

That leads to Han’s other soft skill – Emotion regulation. If you cannot control your emotions, understand that you cannot succeed. Period. How you show up emotionally impacts how others see you. Are you confident or insecure? Are you in control of situations or are you controlled by them? Make no mistake, you can be the most self-aware person in the world but if you can’t control your emotions it won’t matter.

So how do you work on developing these two critical soft skills? Believe it or not, working on one area can help you with the other. My advice is to start working on your emotional intelligence. Many colleges and adult education centers offer introductory classes. You can also find great self-help books in your local libraries and book stores, and talk with your HR manager about ways to develop your skills. And of course don’t forget about personal coaching.

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31May/14

Managers and Emotions

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Managers and Emotions

By Lisa Brewster (Flickr: eve8) via Wikimedia Commons

On more than one occasion I have heard a manager express frustration because a staff member did not display “gratitude” towards them. Note that this rarely comes up when everything is going well; “I just don’t understand why Bill is acting this way, he’s so ungrateful”.

Caution: When you start thinking like this, either Bill has gotten on your last nerve or you honestly believe that he owes you.  Either way, it’s time to step back and refocus.
The first case is easy – get out of the workplace and cool off. Part a manager’s job is working through difficult situations with employees. Sometimes it’s a small matter that just needs to be worked out; sometimes it’s a difficult employee that just needs to be walked out. You get paid to fix the problem without losing your head. But what if you really do believe that Bill should be thankful for everything you’ve done for him?
We thank others for bestowing a favor or gift. If you helped your neighbor fix a flat tire would you want to be thanked every time you saw him? Of course not; in fact you would probably get annoyed after a while. So why would you expect an employee to be continuously thankful to you for managing them? You are both paid by an organization in exchange for your help in reaching goals and objectives. The idea that Bill owes you something for hiring, training, coaching, or mentoring him is an indication that you may have turned a business relationship into a one-sided personal one. If you feel he is ungrateful it’s possible that you really mean that you feel betrayed by his performance or actions. The feelings are certainly valid but as a manager you need to understand that they are your feelings,  not Bill’s or anyone else’s in the organization. That means that they are yours to handle. As far as Bill is concerned you only get to address his performance.

One point I’d like to make – I am not talking about a situation where an employee’s actions or statements offend or impede others in the workplace. That is a performance and respectful workplace issue that you need to resolve immediately.

Emotions like betrayal and anger can quickly lead to leaders losing control of themselves, the situation and possibly other staff members. Employees want leaders who model the way, who show on a daily basis what is acceptable in the work environment. A manager’s emotions can quickly become the focal point of the workplace replacing production goals and objectives. They not only affect those directly involved but can atmosphere causing. Here are a few things that managers can do:

  •  Be aware

    This may sound pretty simplistic but the truth is that many of us spend our days just trying to get from one minute to the next. We are bombarded with so much that our attention spans are shorter and our emotions are quicker to rise to the surface. Simply acknowledging that this is the world we live in gives us that split second to take a breath and regroup.

  •  Understand and acknowledge that emotions can have positive or negative effects

on others beings and that we have the ability to control which effect we desire to have.
One of the things that make us who we are is the ability to feel and express emotions. Sometimes we try to convince others that we are all wonderful by denying that we can be angry or frustrated. Accept the fact that we don’t always like the way we feel but we can choose how to display it.

  •  Learn and practice the difference between feeling and thinking

    Understand the difference between believing that Bill’s actions show that he is ungrateful and feeling betrayed by those actions. Beliefs show what we think. Emotions show what we feel. Learn to deal not only with the employee’s actions but also with how you feel about those actions.

  •  Improve your Emotional Intelligence

    There are scores of materials, classes, tools and tips to help you understand the concept of Emotional Intelligence. Consider making them a core part of you skill set and practice daily.

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09May/14

Who is your best supporter?

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20130707_Catalonian pyramid supporters

By Amotoki (Own work) via Wikimedia Commons

As a manager you may often find yourself in the middle of a minefield without a clue how to proceed. Where do you start looking for help? There are many people around who want you to succeed that they will willingly give you the benefit of their knowledge and experience. Your job is figure out where to go and when. If you get it wrong, it can make your issue that much more difficult. Here are some things to think about when seeking support:

Spouse/Partner

This person will be your biggest cheerleader so don’t expect to get that butt-kicking you may occasionally need. Go here to build confidence and alleviate self-doubt. Your partner may be perfectly capable of telling you when you’re messing up but give that job to someone else. Am I saying don’t discuss work with your spouse? No, but unless you are in the same profession and can solve the problem– don’t get into anything deep. Home is for recharging your batteries so that you can start fresh the next day. Better to have them rub your feet.

Staff

Technical or knowledge based questions go to your staff. They’re the experts and will be happy to fill in the gaps. After all, unless you came from their ranks, they don’t expect you to know it all. Getting their input humanizes you without undermining your authority. Be honest with what you know and what you do not know because if they believe you are pretending; you will break the very trust you are trying to establish.

 Boss

This is a must go-to person but proceed with caution lest you seem incompetent. Before you enter the office, think about the problem you are trying to solve and the words you want to use. Write it down and ask intelligent questions that demonstrate critical thinking skills. Your goal is to learn and grow – not whine and complain.  By the same token, don’t make the mistake of not going to your boss for answers. If you’re not sure which situations warrant advice – ask.

Peers

Peers are powerful allies. They are not your boss and they are not your staff. They know your industry and the players in it. This puts them in a position to best counsel you because they have all of the pieces. Expect observations to be genuine because they can show you what others see. A time will come when things don’t go as they should. Who do want to give you feedback to help you correct it?  If your boss addresses it, you’ll probably be concerned about a reprimand. Conversely, if a direct report addresses it, s/he may fear retaliation from you whether warranted or not. A peer can give you that unvarnished truth you need to make the necessary corrections without fear.

How to choose a peer advocate:

  • Choose only one person. You are asking this person to be your workplace advisor. More than one gets confusing.
  • Make an official request. Explain that you want them to be part of your support team. Their role is to give you honest feedback about your actions and decisions that will help you learn and grow.
  • Use “Vegas” rules. Work on building the trust by agreeing that your discussions remain private.
  • And finally – This is not your “vent” buddy. This is someone who will help you solve problems before frustration sets in. Find someone else to help you let out those frustrations when things are bad. If you need a vent buddy – use someone outside of work.

Find a mentor

This is someone who only has your interest at heart. They want you to be better simply for the sake of being better. This is where you seek advice, vent frustrations, show vulnerability and do all of those things that a manager must do to maintain sanity. A good mentor will listen, advise, teach and admonish as necessary. S/he will tell you when you’ve got it right and when you need to get your act together.

So who’s your best supporter? Simple, it is whoever gives you whatever you need to keep growing.

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