By Lisa Brewster (Flickr: eve8) via Wikimedia Commons
On more than one occasion I have heard a manager express frustration because a staff member did not display “gratitude” towards them. Note that this rarely comes up when everything is going well; “I just don’t understand why Bill is acting this way, he’s so ungrateful”.
Caution: When you start thinking like this, either Bill has gotten on your last nerve or you honestly believe that he owes you. Either way, it’s time to step back and refocus.
The first case is easy – get out of the workplace and cool off. Part a manager’s job is working through difficult situations with employees. Sometimes it’s a small matter that just needs to be worked out; sometimes it’s a difficult employee that just needs to be walked out. You get paid to fix the problem without losing your head. But what if you really do believe that Bill should be thankful for everything you’ve done for him?
We thank others for bestowing a favor or gift. If you helped your neighbor fix a flat tire would you want to be thanked every time you saw him? Of course not; in fact you would probably get annoyed after a while. So why would you expect an employee to be continuously thankful to you for managing them? You are both paid by an organization in exchange for your help in reaching goals and objectives. The idea that Bill owes you something for hiring, training, coaching, or mentoring him is an indication that you may have turned a business relationship into a one-sided personal one. If you feel he is ungrateful it’s possible that you really mean that you feel betrayed by his performance or actions. The feelings are certainly valid but as a manager you need to understand that they are your feelings, not Bill’s or anyone else’s in the organization. That means that they are yours to handle. As far as Bill is concerned you only get to address his performance.
Emotions like betrayal and anger can quickly lead to leaders losing control of themselves, the situation and possibly other staff members. Employees want leaders who model the way, who show on a daily basis what is acceptable in the work environment. A manager’s emotions can quickly become the focal point of the workplace replacing production goals and objectives. They not only affect those directly involved but can atmosphere causing. Here are a few things that managers can do:
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Be aware
This may sound pretty simplistic but the truth is that many of us spend our days just trying to get from one minute to the next. We are bombarded with so much that our attention spans are shorter and our emotions are quicker to rise to the surface. Simply acknowledging that this is the world we live in gives us that split second to take a breath and regroup.
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Understand and acknowledge that emotions can have positive or negative effects
on others beings and that we have the ability to control which effect we desire to have.
One of the things that make us who we are is the ability to feel and express emotions. Sometimes we try to convince others that we are all wonderful by denying that we can be angry or frustrated. Accept the fact that we don’t always like the way we feel but we can choose how to display it.
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Learn and practice the difference between feeling and thinking
Understand the difference between believing that Bill’s actions show that he is ungrateful and feeling betrayed by those actions. Beliefs show what we think. Emotions show what we feel. Learn to deal not only with the employee’s actions but also with how you feel about those actions.
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Improve your Emotional Intelligence
There are scores of materials, classes, tools and tips to help you understand the concept of Emotional Intelligence. Consider making them a core part of you skill set and practice daily.