There Are No “Shoulds”

This is my mantra. One day over coffee, I was in a discussion about a work related issue and the word crept into the conversation. It felt wrong as soon as I said it so I started thinking about what I really meant. My conclusion: Should is all about the speaker’s expectations without taking the listener into account. It is not an inclusive word. It does not lend itself to collaboration and cooperation. It is a directive. Think about it. You’re hanging out with a friend who says, “We should go to the movies”. The problem is you don’t want to go but now your friend has an expectation that you will be sitting in a dark room for the next two hours with enough popcorn and soda to feed a small island.

What he probably means is “Would you like to go to the movies?” What’s the difference? A lot. You now have options. You get to make a decision instead of being told what is expected of you and you probably see the invitation as just that – an invitation, not an ultimatum. Not to say that the word is always inappropriate. “We should leave now, the house is on fire” works just fine. The trick is to know when to use it and what you really mean when you use it.

Try this the next time you need something from someone. As soon as the S-word enters your head, throw it out and replace it with “I would … (like, need, want etc.). It should work wonders