Coping with Conflict
Clasped hands showing agreement and caring
It Doesn’t Always Mean War
Conflict: is a part of our daily life. If you read or watch the news these days, you get a sense that everyone and everything is at war. It’s everpresent: at home, at work, in schools, governments, and in politics. It seems like our disagreements today have escalated to the point that it’s overwhelming, right?
Wrong! There has been and always will be conflict. What has changed is how we deal with it.
Here are some universal truths. Conflict:
• Will happen
•Creates strong emotions
• Involves a difference of opinion
• Provides a catalyst for change
I often find that learners found it difficult to accept the idea that conflict is nothing more than a difference of opinion. It’s the degree of the difference that dictates the strategy for resolution. To that end, I suggest you start to think of conflict in terms of starting with a big C or a little c. Let’s take a look at each one.
“Big C” Disagreements
Turn on the news and you’ll see “big c” conflict all over the place. Countries at war, politicians at odds, racial strife, and criminal assaults. Without immediate and sustained resolution the consequences are serious. Major conflicts can also occur in our personal lives. We may clash at work or at home and that requires us to change how we operate and interact with others. Whatever the source, we can’t move forward until we fix the problem.
“Small c” Disagreements
“Small c” conflict on the other hand is different because: (1) the consequences usually aren’t very serious and, (2) resolution can be much easier. Two people with a difference of opinion on what color paper to use is a conflict. The project won’t move forward until we agree on a color. It’s not earth-shattering, it’s just something we have to decide on to keep going.
The Big Picture:
We tend to shy away from conflict because we think it will always lead to confrontation. That’s not true. When viewed as something to be solved, it becomes a useful tool for implementing change. One way to change our mindset is to understand the various types of conflicts.
Four Types to Consider:
Realizing that there is a difference of opinion is only the first step. The next step is understanding the nature of the conflict. Which type is it? Is it because you can’t figure out who’s in charge? Maybe they want to start the project a different way or maybe a different project altogether. Or maybe you just don’t like each other. Once you can pinpoint the issue, you can figure out a strategy for resolution. In her book Dealing with Conflict, Author Amy Gallo describes four basic types of conflict.
| TYPE | CAUSE | RESULT |
| Relationship | Emotional or personality clashes lead to feelings of disrespect and a lack of trust | Fight Freeze Flee |
| Task | The difference in understanding goals and objectives leads to confusion about what needs to be done. | Lack of progress We can’t agree on what specific things we should be doing |
| Process | Expecting things to be done differently. Asks the question: How are we going to do it? | Lack of progress because we can’t agree on how things need to be done |
| Status | Blurred lines of authority create ambiguity causing disruption and distrust. Asks the question: Who is responsible for getting the job done? | Escalated relationship conflict due to misplaced accountability because we don’t know where to go for answers. |
The 3-question Rule
Believe it or not, just because there’s a disagreement, doesn’t mean it has to be resolved by you or even resolved at all. In his article, Why Emotionally Intelligent Minds Embrace the 3-Question Rule, author Justin Bariso suggests 3 questions to help you determine whether addressing the conflict is even your responsibility. Ask yourself:
- Does the conflict need to be addressed?
- Am I the right person to address it?
- Does it need to be addressed now?
Conflict can impact us emotionally even as onlookers even if it’s not our problem to solve. That’s because our brain keeps us safe by allowing us to feel things (fight or flight) first. Once we are out of harm’s way, we can think about what we need to do. We are impacted emotionally first because our brain is wired to keep us safe. As soon as we sense danger, the fight or flight response takes over. Face it, it’s hard to think when you’re trying to get to safety. Once we’re safe, we can figure out what to do. Bariso’s questions help us figure out not only what needs to be done but more importantly, who needs to do it. Once you decide that you do need to address the issue, Amy Gallo gives you options for dealing with it.
Strategies for Resolution
There are several ways to address the conflict. Some involve seeking outside help, others are things you can do yourself. Amy Gallo, suggests these four options for dealing with conflict
Do Nothing
This is not the same as giving in or giving up. It is a conscious choice you make based on your interpretation of the conflict. The conflict may not be serious, or it might resolve on its own. For example, you have a fixed-term employee who is creating conflict with a continuing employee, but her term is due to end soon. As soon as she leaves, the conflict ends. Problem solved.
Address it Indirectly
Addressing the conflict indirectly can mean asking for help from others such as your boss or HR. It can also involve speaking with the other party without bringing up the conflict between the two of you. This is where the art of storytelling can be effective. Stories and metaphors can be very effective, especially if either party is conflict averse.
Address it Directly
The ability to address a conflict directly takes practice. Recognizing that we encounter conflict all of the time, and while it is uncomfortable, it can help improve processes and relationships. If you tend to avoid rather than seek conflict, it might help to develop a growth mindset to help you challenge how you think about conflict in general. As a manager, you will eventually have to deal with conflict that might not involve you directly but may involve members of your team(s). Actively seeking conflict doesn’t mean breaking up fistfights or yelling matches. Does a process need defining? Does your team compete for project lead? Use normal work situations to practice identifying the type of conflict and how you will deal with it.
Exit
Sometimes, conflict cannot be resolved, and the only option is to walk away. It usually means that the relationship cannot be repaired, and all efforts have been exhausted. Exiting doesn’t necessarily mean that a person packs their bags and leaves. Requesting a different workstation, partner, or assignment may be some way to reduce interactions with the other person without leaving the organization entirely. However, if the conflict is serious enough that it might lead to unsafe conditions— leaving may be the right option. In the same way that doing nothing is not ignoring the issue, exiting is not running away. It is an appropriate option for conflict-resolution
Conclusion:
Given that conflict is a fact of life, it’s important that we learn to cope with it regardless of the severity. When we can do that, we start to see the benefit of conflict. Conflicts bring problems to light and resolving them can lead to creative solutions to improve processes and relationships. I challenge you to embrace the conflict that comes your way. It will make you a better leader
Resources:
Bariso, J. (2021, April 30). Why Emotionally Intelligent Minds Embrace the 3-Question Rule. .
Gallo, Amy. (2017). Dealing with Conflict. Harvard Business Review.
