Self-Care for the Servant Leader

Managers rarely think about self-care.  I’m continuously talking about ways you can make it easy on yourself and your team. Remember this?: “You have to know yourself, you have to know your people and you have to create a culture where everyone can thrive”. That’s all is well and good but recently, I  found myself completely stressed out when a family member wound up in the hospital. After several days just trying to get things done my body stopped cooperating. A blood vessel popped in my eye, my diet went to hell and the acid reflux was so bad I considered buying stock in an antacid company. When I started wondering if I could rent a bed in the hospital, I  started thinking about all the advice I’ve given you over the years.  I keep yakking about your role as a manager and a caregiver but as I sat around chewing on antacids, I realized that I rarely talk about what you need to do to take care of yourself. So sit back, this is all about you.

The Call Center

At one point in my career, I managed the call center for the city’s Animal Control Center and I had a dispatcher who would do anything to help anyone for any reason without care or concern for herself.  Her son was disabled, her husband was unemployed, and she carried the load every day, asking nothing in return.  At work, she pitched in wherever needed and gave 110% day in and day out. She was the gold standard when it came to civil service but that sort of dedication is not sustainable.  Slowly, you could see changes creeping up on her and you knew she was wearing herself out.  You could see it in her eyes, you could hear it in her voice and you knew that she was giving everything she could even though she still wanted to give more.  I knew it was only a matter of time until she couldn’t keep taking care of everyone until she took care of herself. Unfortunately, every time I tried to encourage her to take time off, she resisted.

Our call center operated 16 hours a day, 364 days a year and with a staff of seven, I was rarely able to schedule more than two dispatchers at a time. It wasn’t easy when we were short-staffed, but we managed. I would often fill in by workinga day shift, going home when the afternoon dispatcher arrived, and returning to relieve them at closing. It’s what we did but I was hard-pressed to convince her to take time off.  She didn’t want to burden us.

As incredible as her work ethic was, it wasn’t doing her any good and it wasn’t doing the team any good either.  We all became concerned that she couldn’t see the toll it was taking on her. After listening (several times) to  the reasons she “couldn’t” take time off,  I finally found the words that broke through.  “I appreciate your concern for me and the team but  you can’t take care of anyone if you’re not taking care of yourself and my job is to take care of you”. It worked!  She took a much-needed vacation, came back refreshed and ready to rock and roll. The phrase was like a magic pill and I would find myself using it many times over the rest of my career.  A manager can only go so far in taking care of the employee.  At some point, the manager has to put themselves first. Remember the phrase and use it frequently, especially on yourself.

Why it Matters

So why is it important for you to take care of yourself before they you can care for your team? It’s simple. Taking care of others is exhausting, even if that care is routine. Caring for anyone takes constant vigilance, sound problem-solving skills, and the confidence to make good decisions. You must be able to resolve conflict, plan projects, and direct work product. Doing this on a continuous basis saps energy and you must be in your best shape at all times.  You have to be physically, mentally, and emotionally fit and a disconnect in any one area makes it difficult to provide what your team needs to perform at the highest level.  If you’re not at your best, they can’t be at their best. In short, you owe it to your team.

Physical Well Being

This one’s easy. You don’t feel well, you don’t perform well.  We all know that it can be difficult to keep ourselves in the best physical shape.  If you’re like me, you know it’s important to get a good night’s sleep, maintain a healthy diet and get some exercise.  However, if you’re also like me, you get to bed well after midnight, believe that bacon is one of the four basic food groups, and have a ton of exercise equipment – you’re just not sure where it is.  We know what we need to do but that doesn’t mean we actually get it done. The truth is, we owe it to our people to do better.

Here’s the deal. As difficult as it may be to do, when we are physically fit, our bodies handle stress better. The better we handle stress, the easier the job becomes.  Psychologist Ron Friedman explains why regular exercise needs to be part of the work routine.  Click the following link to read the Harvard Business Review article. Regular Exercise is Part of Your Job

Mental Well Being

Have you ever tried making a decision when your brain was on fire?  I have and trust me, it sucks. Working your way through the fog of depression or the fear of anxiety makes it damned near impossible to decide what socks to wear, let alone who are the best people to tackle a complex project.

This doesn’t mean that a bit of brain fog should have you looking for a therapist. I just  want to point out that it’s hard to do good work when there’s stuff preying on our minds. Couple that with a sedentary lifestyle and a bad diet and you can see that you’re not going to be your best. It happens to all of us at some time and we don’t even notice.  And that’s the problem.  We have to learn to notice. So what do you do when things are a bit stressed in the attic? As the saying goes, where there’s smoke – there’s fire.

Smelling the Smoke

This is where knowing yourself comes into play.  Take the time to figure out what you are like mentally when things are in balance and then notice when things deviate from the norm.  For me, it’s pretty simple.  There is always music playing in the back of my mind. You can ask me at any time what I’m listening to and I’ll let you know what the DJ between my ears is spinning. At this very moment,  All the Gold by Larry Gatlin is playing loud and clear (feel free to sing along). When there’s no music, it’s like my own personal smoke detector. It means that I’m not at my mental best and it’s time to investigate what’s going on.

I encourage you to learn to recognize your own smoke. Once you smell it, start investigating the cause and take steps to douse the flames.  If you aren’t sure of the signs, ask the people that know you best what they see when you’re “off”.  You may be surprised at what you learn. Unfortunately, people are often reluctant to share information that could help us the most. They don’t want to upset us.  However, if we ask them to help us understand ourselves better, they may be more than willing to share.

Once you know when things are a bit off, create a plan to get back on track. Again, it doesn’t have to be anything drastic, but it can be as simple as talking to someone who can help break down what may be bothering you. My plan is simple. I tell my wife the music isn’t playing. That starts the conversation and we can troubleshoot the possible causes and how to address them.  Most of the time, it works and the DJ is back on the air.

Emotional Well Being

Self-care involves being emotionally fit because our emotions directly affect our physical and mental well-being.  Uncontrolled emotions trigger the amygdala sending us into fight or flight mode. It’s hard to think logically while you’re trying to save your skin at the same time. Think about a situation where your brain’s on fire. You’re physically exhausted and you want to scream.  The more you want to scream, the bigger the brain conflagration and the more exhausted you are, making you way too tired to scream which increases your desire to scream so now you just start to whimper.  Eventually, you  run away or take it out on your staff. Keep that up and you won’t have a staff to worry about. OK, it’s the worst-case scenario,  but hopefully, you see how things can spiral out of control.  Face it,  even if only one of these areas is conflicted, at the very least, it becomes more difficult to do your job.

Emotional Intelligence is the Key

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is our ability to understand why we want to scream in the first place and consciously take steps to do something about the cause.  Take a moment to think about how it plays into how we take care of ourselves.

• Something happens (the trigger). You realize you want to scream but you can’t identify the emotion that’s causing the reaction. So…..
• You shut down mentally and the brain fog ensues. Unfortunately, you’re at work and still have to interact with your team, colleagues, and boss. Now you’re mad and realize people are avoiding you.
• The amygdala kicks in and you retreat to your safe space (run away) and start binge eating carbs and sugar (there goes the physical care)
• After some thought, you realize that the reason you’re so angry is that the trigger hurt your feelings. So now it makes sense that you want to run and hide or go smack somebody. Emotional Intelligence starts to work and now you can address the trigger
• You develop a plan to deal with the issue
• You throw away the snacks and the soda, go for a walk to clear your head and develop your plan and get on with your day.

End result: You are back on track and find it easier to cope with whatever is going on in your workspace.

What just happened here? Your inability to recognize your emotional state clouded your thought process and led you to unhealthy habits that affected your health. But you’ve been reading this blog and realized that you had to take charge of your emotions instead of the other way around. Once you were able to clear the smoke, it became easier to find the source and put out the fire. I’m just saying.

Putting it all together

So here’s the bottom line. When you start to feel like something’s not quite right, believe it.  I suggest you start by taking a big step back and analyzing what your senses are telling you.  What do you see yourself doing? What do you hear yourself saying? Are you eating more? drinking more? etc.  Once you look outward, start looking inward,  ask yourself why, and figure out a plan to do something about it. All that’s left is to develop a good case of the Nike flu and “Just Do It”. Trust me, everyone will benefit.

Success vs Enough

What do I mean by does success equal enough?  My job is to help managers develop the self-awareness and critical thinking skills required to lead people. One of the first things I want to know is what interested them in the job in the first place.  So let’s start there.  What was your first reason for going into management?  Many people, if not most, are great individual contributors and it seems like the next logical step.  At a certain point in our career, we expect to move up. It is the next logical step. But does it have to be? Do we really have to climb the ladder to be considered a success?  What if we occasionally fail, are we still a success?  For that matter, who defines what success means for us?

We are conditioned from day one to believe that the more we have, the more successful we are. Our societal norms dictate that the more money we make, the bigger office we have, and the better car we drive all mean the more successful we are.  It reminds me of the old saying, “He who has the biggest toys wins”. I’m suggesting that we stop chasing “more” and start seeking “enough

Discovering My “Enough”

The Military consists of Enlisted Personnel and Officers. In simplified terms, the enlisted are the worker bees and the officers are the managers.  Unlike the civilian world, there 9 steps for advancement in each group E1 (seaman) through E-9 (Master Chief Petty Officer) Officer Ranks are Ensign through Admiral respectively.  Check out the Department of Defense website resource for a list of military rank insignias.

I began my career as an E3 and a year later was promoted to E4.  A year after that, I applied for and was accepted to Officer Candidate School (OCS) and entered shortly after taking the test for advancement to E5. During the 16 weeks of training (in Newport Rhode Island in the dead of winter), to earn my commission as an O1, I was informed that I had passed the exam and was on the E5 promotion list. I remember running around telling a bunch of soon-to-be Officers how proud I was of the news.  Most of them thought I was crazy.  What was so great about being an E5 when in a few months we were all going to be O1s (providing we all survived the training and the weather)?

I have to admit that I was more excited about that than I was about becoming an Officer.  I was supposed to become an officer because I had the education and the aptitude. Being an Officer was the next rung on my success ladder. What I didn’t realize was that being an E5 would have been enough. A few years later I had the honor of serving with Mr. Ed.

The Amazing Mr. Ed

Mr. Ed was the most amazing E5 I’ve ever met.  For one thing, when we went out in the field if you needed anything, and I mean anything, Ed Landefelt probably had it.  It didn’t matter if it was a screwdriver, scotch tape, or Pepto Bismal, Ed had it and most of it was usually in an old, battered fishing vest he always wore. So many pockets, so much stuff.

My favorite memory happened on an overseas flight back to the states.  A sailor came to me and said he wasn’t feeling well. He wanted to know if I had any Pepto Bismal.  My first thought was, “Oh sure, I always walk around with Pepto Bismal in my pocket”.  Fortunately, it was just a thought. Instead, I said, “Go ask Ed”.  Wouldn’t you know it? 35 thousand feet in the air,  Ed reaches into one of his magic pockets, and Voila, the little pink tablets appear. I couldn’t stop laughing.  It wasn’t even a roll of Tums.  He specifically had Pepto Bismal!

This was part of the magic of Mr. Ed.  The other part of the magic is that Ed had enough and he knew it. He was happy being an E5 and he wanted to keep being an E5.  He enjoyed the work and he did it well so he made a conscious decision to not participate in the exams he needed to promote to E6.

What is Enough?

So what does this have to do with being enough? What if you’re happy doing you and someone else tells you that what is enough for you is not enough for them?  That’s what happened to Ed. Because of the military’s up or out policy, the Commanding Officer had to justify why allowing him to stay in the military as an E5 was not only good for him, it was good for the Navy.  Ed didn’t want to promote, he was happy where he was because he had found his “enough”. The powers that be finally got the message and Ed was able to stay in the Navy long enough to retire.

The thing about enough is that it is intrinsic.  It doesn’t matter how many companies you work for or how many jobs you have.  I loved being an Officer and it turned out that my “enough had nothing to do with my paygrade and everything to do with being a public servant. I loved the work and I loved my people.  As a result. I  became a fierce servant leader in every subsequent job.

So what does this have to do with you and your desire to be the boss?  It is a reminder that no one can define success for you except you. It is a reminder to find not only what you’re good at but what is good for you. And more than anything, it serves as a reminder that you can discover your own “enough” hiding in the middle of your search for success. Take the time to make sure you recognize “enough” when you see it.

Want a Successful DEI Program? Increase Your Team’s Empathy

The Problem

Embracing empathy increases makes your company’s DEI program better. Think about it. What happens when an employee makes an offensive remark in a staff meeting.  ?  The chances are someone complains to HR. If the employee lacks Emotional Intelligence we assign classes, coaching, and warnings. To make sure everyone is aware of the company’s zero-tolerance policy, the company develops a DEI training program. Trust me, creating solutions from the top down without grassroots support,  cannot succeed. Using DEI to increase empathy isn’t nearly as effective as using empathy to increase DEI.

Your Role

Companies set DEI objectives based on data but all of the charts and graphs in the world won’t help employees respect each other. CEOs want compliance, political, and financial approval but leaders need and want to ensure high performance and a respectful workplace. Strong relationships are the key.  When managers create empathic workplaces, they invite their teams to walk in each other’s shoes. Checking off boxes to indicate a diverse workforce is not the same as having employees embrace and respect that diversity.

So how do you get those checkmarks to translate to reality?  One way is by actively increasing your team’s Emotional Intelligence through empathy. Empathy helps us understand how others experience our words and deeds.

What You Can Do

I’m not talking about the once-a-year training session that describes things like microaggressions, cultural respect, etc. These are data points that get checked off for the charts.  I’m talking about real-life, down-in-the-weeds discussions and practices. So often, we break out EQ training for individuals as a way to “fix” transgressions in the workplace.  We assign a coach and classes to address a complaint with the hope that the offense won’t be repeated. This is treating the symptom instead of the disease.  The underlying problem is the lack of knowledge and respect for others.  It doesn’t matter what we don’t know or respect.   As the leader, your job is to help the team recognize that there are things they don’t know and you are there to help fill in the gaps. Here are some things you can do to get everyone on board before HR gets involved:

• Be proactive. Make discussions a part of your normal routine the same way you would discuss any other topic (project briefings, safety procedures, etc.)
• Use staff meetings and 1:1s to recognize issues and collaborate on solutions.
• Encourage critical thinking skills by creating “posers”. – use hypothetical situations to think through ways to be empathetic
• Encourage people to practice recognizing everyday emotional issues, reactions, and solutions  outside of work
  • TV shows
  • News articles
  • Interactions with others

Conclusion

The point is as a team leader, there’s a lot you can do to influence your team’s DEI practices.  Increasing awareness on your level will get people to understand how their actions affect people they know. The real-world connection brings life to the policies and procedures that come from the top down.

Resources:

LinkedIn Article: The Importance of Empathy…